So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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