i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
