Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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