Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
