I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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