I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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