so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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