can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
