She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
