Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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