So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
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Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
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if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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