Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
