Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
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You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
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What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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