Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
