I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
