So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize