dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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