What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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