We won't sleep together?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
