How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
