DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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