What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
