I wish I only lived at night.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
