Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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