I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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