He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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