Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She bit a glass in half.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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