; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
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I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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