What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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