this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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