So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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