If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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