i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
