A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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