Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
is it fun? or sober?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
