I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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