You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
