dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
