I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
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They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
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We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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