Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
