Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
