Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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