My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize