I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
