so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
