The maid of honor just puked.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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