I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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