She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
