I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
