A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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