i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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