My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
