oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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