your parents love me but you hate me
I met the friendliest cop last night
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
