Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
you win again, gameday.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
