I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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