Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
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I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
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Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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