just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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