Are we in a gay sports bar?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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