I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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