Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
