I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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