I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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