how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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