Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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