Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
