so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
