I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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